2017: Lessons I Have Learnt 

It has been five months already since we counted down to new year. So far, this year has been a rollercoaster to me. It has surprised me with a lot of things I have never expected. With all the twist, and the bittersweet journey this life has taken me,

these are the lessons that I have learned so far this year:

• I have learnt that jealousy will not solve the problem. It will worsen pretty much everything. Jealousy will take you to a much darker place than you already are. You will begin to compare yourself to the others and make you lose your focus. You will get too caught up trying to impress someone and end up forgetting who you really are, and little do you know you have lost yourself in the process. You will always try to seek validation in others, and your happiness relies on the compliments you get, the likes you get on instagram or the followers you have. Dealing with this type of feeling has been a hell for me as jealousy is my hamartia. I hate myself when I look back to those days in the past when I was so busy trying to be someone I was not, trying to impress people merely because I wanted to fit in. I was not feeling happy at all because the only question I asked myself was “am i enough?”. If I had to give advice to my 16-year-old self, I would tell her not to worry about yourself because you are more than enough.

Now I have grown up, I have learnt from the past, from my mistakes, and I determine to make myself much better than I was.

• I have learnt that we cannot force something to happen no matter how hard we have tried.  You cannot force someone to give you the same amount of attention as you do to him/her. You cannot force someone to care about you. There are some things that beyond our control.

• I have learnt that sometimes it is needed for you to cut off connections from toxic people.
• I have learnt that connection is hard to find; it is rare. And you cannot force a connection, for it should come naturally.

• I have learnt that I will not waste my time and energy for something that is not worth fighting for.
• I have learnt that honesty is the best virtue. Therefore, I value honesty the most and I’m not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things.

•I have learnt that time waits for no one, and we will get left behind. So I try to seize every moment before it passes by.  Everything has their own timing. Sometimes we tend to force things to happen as soon as possible, we tend to do whatever it takes to make it happen. But it will not happen unless it is time.

• I have learnt that sometimes we measure success by how fast we get something that we want and forget the fact that it is far beyond that. Success is not measured by how fast you get something you’ve always wanted, because success, to me, is how you persevere, how you learn from the process, how you learn from the mistakes.

•I have learnt to say YES to every opportunity. Well…..not every opportunity but yeah lol. One single YES could lead you to endless opportunities ahead. So I always remind myself to always take the opportunity

• I have learnt that I have full control of what is going to happen next. Like what I said, some things are uncontrollable but some things are controllable.

• I have learnt that some people come to my life to either teach me lessons or to be part of something amazing which will shape my life, change the way I see things, and bring much more colours to my monochrome life haha!

• I have learnt that some people are way richer than we thought they were although they might be perceived as the disadvantaged people. They may have lost pretty much everything but they are surrounded by family who love them, friends who are all ears.

•I have learnt that nothing in this world could ever prepare you to lose your loved ones. The pain is unbearable and at times you feel like giving up because it is just too much to bear.

•I lost my dad in the mid of this year, June 25 to be exact and I didn’t get to tell him how much he meant to me. I was too busy with my own world and couldn’t care less about the things going on around me. This universe has sent me clues but I ignored it. I failed to see it. Through this awful experience, I have learnt to be honest about my feelings and everything, to be fully present and to show and say how much someone means to me. Because we never know when we will see them again. Being brutally honest doesn’t kill you, it does you no harm.

•I have learnt that it is okay to cry and to wish that things would go back like it used to be, but I have also learnt that we cannot dwell in the past for too long because it’s just the same as blocking ourselves from being happy.

•Throughout this experience, I have learnt and grown to be much better person than I was before.

And this year…..

I have learnt

to let go.











On Self-Love

” Write down things you love and dislike about yourself”


Loving yourself should be the foundation of all love. It is hard to find love in anyone if you can’t even love yourself. I think many people can relate to this issue. As for me, I have been struggling to love myself lately and maybe that is why I find it hard to love someone and I always get hurt at the end. It is not the first time I’m sharing my very personal experience on this platform and I don’t mind people knowing the ‘secret’ or something that I have been struggling with. I want people to connect and to those who feel the same way like I do will be enlightened and know that they are not alone. 

Talk the Talk. Walk The Walk

It is different to loving yourself for who you really are and someone you are pretending to be. Get to know yourself, get to know your flaws. I have always thought that I have come to an acceptance phase where I acknowledge and embrace all my flaws but apparently, there are still a lot of things to be done. Talking about self-love is easy but when it comes to practicing it, believe me, it is so damn hard.

A Story.

So a few days ago I talked to this stranger, I opened up to him about what I’m going through these days. I don’t know about you but talking to strangers about my personal stuff is exhilarating. We both do not know about each other and that, for me, is perfect because I can share whatever I want without worrying he would spill it out. I told him that I am having a hard time practicing self-love and he told me that that is the root of the problem I am facing right now.

“Loving yourself is the foundation of all love.” 

He told me to write down things I don’t like about myself and what I love about myself and asked me to reflect on them. Those things you love about yourself are the ones you carry with you wherever you go. You also gotta acknowledge your flaws and accept them as part of who you are. When you are happy with yourself, and you acknowledge and accept your flaws and embrace them, you would not let anything in this world get the best of you. Your soul is filled with love and joy and you have built a home within you, the roots that grow within you keep you stand still.

When someone doesn’t reciprocate the love you have given to him/her, you would not be drowning in tears and hurting yourself and feeling worthless, because you know your worth, and hurting yourself for someone who doesn’t appreciate the things that you do is not worth your precious time and you know you gotta move on. If you love yourself for who you really are, you would not be seeking validation from others. Your worth isn’t determined by the likes you get on Instagram, how many followers you have, how many people praise you, and the compliments you get. Because you know YOU ARE SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT. You know your self-worth and you wouldn’t let anyone devalue you.

In the end, even if there is no love anymore in this world, all you have is yourself and that’s enough.





Loving You

I have built my walls so high. I do not trust people whose mouth full of poison. I do not trust people easily. I set some rules. I want this I want that. I will never do this and I will never do that. I made promises that I couldn’t keep.

I promised myself that I will not fall for you. We made it clear. We convinced ourselves that we are not in love with each other. Live day by day with the lies we tell to ourselves. I don’t love her. I can’t love her.  I don’t love him. I can’t love him

I set some expectations. I want a guy that do this and that. And the list goes on and on and on. But then he came to ruin my plan.He didn’t mean to do harm.He just wanted to completely break down all the walls I built, all the rules I made, all the expectations I had

Since the very beginning, I convinced myself that I won’t fall for you
I did.

And all I know is
loving you is inevitable


The art of expressing yourself

photo 3.jpeg

A wise friend of mine once said that if someone has a trouble accepting you as who you are, and hinder you from being who you are, and limit you from expressing yourself, let them go. Your feelings are valid. If you cry due to the pain that you can no longer contain, make sure you do not let anyone say that you need to stop crying and being so sentimental about everything. You cry because that might be the only way you cope with it. If you are being told to stop being so awkward and quirky and to start being normal, make sure you do not listen to what they say. If they expect you to be normal just like everybody else, then who the hell is gonna stand out? It could be you, you know.

I don’t know how many times my friends call me a freak, well freak is a strong word, I prefer weird (though I take that as a huge compliment) cos I always do things they consider as weird and not-so-me.

They think I’m weird because

I know how to dance in the rain while others run from it
I know how to laugh so hard that my laugh starts to sound like a dying cat
I know how to seize every moment
I know how to express myself.

Feel free to Express yourself. Live your life. You are beautifully made. You are unique and blessed. Believe me, you can’t afford to lose yourself because you are just that special.

State of mind!



“Despite everything, I believe people are good at heart – Anne Frank”


“Sometimes, I find myself thinking am I too kind? is my kindness taken to weakness? 

That still remains unanswered until now. People around me keep saying that I should stop being nice to people who clearly do not respect me at all as a person who has a feeling and that I should start convincing myself that such people do not belong in my life and are not worth of my time. At some point, yeah that is correct and that applies to some people.

but not for me.

I am veritably one of those rare people who cannot hate someone who has treated me badly. Not because I hate using the word hate since it is a very strong word, but it is more of because I could never feel peace by hating someone. Peace is what matter to me. How can I have a clear mind to think and positive thought and attitude to brush off on people if me myself do not know what peace feels like.

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that- Marthin Luther King, Jr.

That is the words I live by. I know I deserve to be treated way better, I know I deserve to be happy, that is why I learn to let go of all bad things, negative emotions and thoughts. It may sound bullshit for you but that is what I did. It all started out with the fact that I made a mistake which is very normal, knowing that we are human beings and making mistakes is a part of living, but what I did was somehow unforgiven. I have done everything that I could to possibly save what’s left, I swallowed my pride and words, but to no avail. In fact, I feel disrespected and no words could explain what I truly felt at that moment. All I feel was shame and guilt, and pain. It was probably one of the worst things to ever happened to me. No one has ever done that to me, and to deal with such situation for the first time was not an easy thing to do. I felt ashamed and extremely embarrassed. I might classify it as one of the worst feelings one wish would never feel. It was a hell of a night and the following morning, I told my close friend about it and all he said was very rude and what I did was to listen to him with no words came out of my mouth. And right after he finished talking, I said this

” I believe people have their own way to forgetting someone, and that is your way of forgetting someone; by making yourself believe that what she has done was so unacceptable and keep saying mean kinds of stuff. But I am pretty sure I have my own way of dealing with this situation. I did it your way, believe me I did. But I never felt peace. In fact, I felt miserable, I was in much worse condition. But then I came across this text that says I still think you are a good person,  and believe me, as soon as I started reading that sentence, I tried to change my way of seeing things, my perspective towards the current situation. I tried to change my way of thinking. I who once believed every crude word you said, I who once believed you never appreciate the things I had done, I who once believed that you were just a complete prick, changed the way I see you, the way I see the situation I am in. I started to think positively, think about happy thoughts and learn to appreciate things and reminisce about the good old days. And you know what, I still think he is a good person. He is.”

You cannot forgive and forget someone by hating him/her.Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. Forgive and forget, let them go, maybe that’s the way it should be 

That is why I feel a whole lot better now. You are responsible for your own happiness. Change the way you see things, you might be amazed on how things will fall into place

keep smiling, keep shining, I’ll support you no matter what happens,  


Despite everything, I believe people are good at heart – Anne Frank

Merry Christmas


Joyeux Noel, Selamat Natal, Merry Christmas to all of you who celebrate. May the spirit of the true meaning of christmas ignites you throughout the year. Christmas this year feels a bit different to me because I feel like the Grinch has stolen my christmas spirit somehow. I was not feeling any excitement at all. Well, it’s probably  due to the amount of pressure and stress during finals or maybe just maybe I have not quite known yet about the true meaning of christmas itself.

There is this particular quote that I like which I can relate so much. I quoted Thomas S. Monson “Christmas is the spirit of giving without a thought of getting. It is happiness because we see joy in people, it is forgetting self and finding time for others” – Thomas S. Monson

As we grow older, we realize that our christmas list gets smaller. Well, I realize that it is because the thing we really want for christmas cannot be bought. The feeling of joy when you open up all the presents on christmas morning cannot surpass the feeling of joy and happiness from being surrounded by your loved ones around christmas time. There is this strange longing of being surrounded by the whole family because I always feel safe, welcomed, and loved when I am being surrounded by the ones I love. They always come up with good stories to tell or sometimes the problems that they might have been facing. In case you haven’t figured out yet, things do change, even a small change is a change, indeed. Family grows apart, no communication, worst case would probably lost contact, some of us are busy with our own life that we often forget the joy and happiness we used to feel when we were little kids when we were being around family around christmas time, while we were so eager to open up the presents to know what we got for christmas, or the joy that we felt when we all still believed the existence of Santa Claus, when our parents read the tales about the old grey-bearded man who always goes down in chimney on a christmas eve to deliver the gifts, and in an exchange to that, we have to put grass in the socks, which we hang by the fireplace or somewhere he could see, so that his reindeer would not be famished. I somehow long to be a child again, listen up to all the old tales again, stay up all night on christmas eve hoping to see Santa.

But one thing that I miss the most from Christmas is probably the time when I was so busy preparing for the christmas mass. Well, maybe some of you might find this doubtful that I used to be a “christmas star”. I am not intended to brag or boast about this but when I was a kid when I was still in my old church, things were good, you know. I was so busy of preparing for the christmas mass. I sang, I danced, I played, I pretty much had done everything. I was like a newborn puppy during christmas time. i was busy practicing choreography with friends, memorizing the lines from the script to practicing in front of the mirror, to finally carolling with friends. Sounds cool, right? That is probably why during the christmas mass, I get a bit emotional when I see little kiddos singing so beautifully. I can see my 10 years old me doing that.

It has never been about the presents underneath the tree. I love receiving presents, it adds a little more of festive feeling, though. But I realize that I am way happier when I get to do those things I used to do when I was little with my friends and I get to being surrounded by your family during the christmas time. Those are priceless moments that will never go down in story of my life, lel. And it is indeed right that as you get older, your christmas list gets smaller as the things you really want for christmas cannot be bought.

As quoted from Dr.Seuss in his book, ” maybe, christmas, does not come from the store. Maybe, it is a little bit more”
Merry Christmas everybody! May the joy and happiness and the spirit of christmas be with you and your family.

May God bless you abundantly xx


“And now I see these pictures of you
Now I hear your words
And dance around the uncomfortable truth
That where we are is not where
We were”

Exceptionally Beautiful

poetry by michael fink

I never stopped loving you
I never turned my back
Never withdrew my hand
I never thought less
Was never unimpressed
By you

And now we’re old friends and
Watching the tides roll in
Lamenting how quickly they
Withdraw again
And we’re left with miles of darkened sand
And traces of years that should have been spent
And now the time has come and gone
The skies have rolled over
Into the storm
As we fight and dig and claw at the world
Hoping to unearth what we were
Before the sun collapsed across the horizon
Before the gun went off in our hands
As we watched the corpse of beauty lying quiet
And the wind changed direction
Carried away sanity, left only
The weight of depression
On our breath

I never stopped loving you
I never turned my back
Never withdrew my heart
I never wanted us to…

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How I deal with My Anxiety

This might be tough for some people to share stories about something they have been struggling for so long. It has always been a tough thing to do when it comes to sharing our weakness. Some people may have also seen anxiety as something dreadful or normal. But what if the case is someone who has an anxiety disorder? It is a hell to live with a constant fear and anxiety.

I have always been this bubbly and positive girl who loves to laugh even though my laughter sounds like a dying seal. But these past few years, I have been dealing with something that is so physically and emotionally exhausting. I have been dealing with some problems that I often keep them all hidden. I am not a very open person in terms of sharing about my problems, that is actually one of the main causes why I have this severe anxiety, because I do not want to share, but frankly, it is more like that I have not found someone that I can trust enough to share my problems with. Because I am scared they will be scared and turn away right after I share my problems and anxiety.

I have dealt with several major case of anxiety. And I want to emphasise here is that my anxiety has nothing to do with the self-confidence or insecurity, it is merely an anxious feeling towards something. It does not happen all the time, of course. In my case, I feel extremely anxious when there are so many problems and burden on my shoulder or so many thoughts haunting me.

One thing that also worsen my anxiety is that I often act as if I am strong enough to deal with this and I also often suppress my feelings and not letting out my emotions. Just like what happened before I wrote this post. I know what’s bothering me a lot, family stuff, exams, organisation stuff, a horrific event which just happened today, my friendship. I acknowledge them all, but I could not find something that is the root of the causes. I broke down and cried. And sometimes, that is the best thing to do when dealing with this. Because frankly, I feel so relieved right after I let all my emotions out. Some people keep saying to control your emotions, and that does not necessarily mean that you are not allowed to cry, because who knows maybe crying is one of your coping mechanisms.

How to deal with it?

Simple, let it out, all your emotions, let it out.

A Blessing

I am constantly reminded to fill my heart with peace and gratitude. To be more content, grateful, and wise in every situation. For the least important thing I have might be the most for someone else out there. I remember I used to pray for the things I have now, and that is a reminder that : I am not lucky, I am blessed