June 25, 2017
I lost someone who I dearly love–my dad. As I write this post, I still am trying to recover from the loss. It has been such a rough time for me to accept the truth that my dad, whom I spent my 21 years with, has gone. It still feels like a dream, so surreal. Sometimes I find myself asking the same question over and over again…
Has he really gone?
Everything happens so fast that I could not seem to digest everything that is going on at the moment. Losing someone has always been so tough for me. I have lost my grandparents when I was a kid, and my aunt and Neni (grand ma’s sister). I had a hard time dealing with the loss. Losing the loved ones have always been my worst nightmare and a week ago, I had to experience that. Losing a parent is extremely, unbearably, utterly painful. I could not find words to describe what I’m feeling but the pain I had to endure was just too much. But thank God I have friends and family who are there to open their arms, hug me and console me, support me and give me words of encouragement. I have no idea what I would do without them.
Papa always taught me to not be selfish, to share what I have with my sister, to care and respect one another, to always be kind and generous. Papa once told me that he got offered a high position job but he refused, and when I asked why, his answer astonished me. He simply said that
“I am happy with I have now. If I accepted that offer, I would have to spend less time with you all. I would have missed the chances to drop my daughters off at school, have dinner together, going out, and do things together as a family. Those are just little things but those are what I appreciate the most.
You can always earn money, everything will be sufficient for us, but only time cannot be bought. It is enough for me. I can still drop you off to school, get home early for dinner.”
Papa had long been sick. He had suffered for a long time and it was painful to see him in so much pain. But now he is in a much better place where he is in peace, and doesn’t have to feel the pain anymore.
Pa, it is hard to move on with my life without you around. We fought, argued and disagreed a lot but at the end of the day, you would always be a father who’s so forgiven. I am sorry for the wrong I have done to you, and hope you know that I have forgiven you too. I know for a fact that you don’t want me to live in regrets but I wish I were there to tell you how much I love you, Pa. I hope you knew that I love you and I care about you even though I rarely said it to you.
I will always remember when you drop me off at school and sat there with me till the bell rang because you didn’t want me to be alone
I will always remember the times when you jokingly told me to cut your ears cos I asked for too much and I ended up crying and you and mom laughed so hard
I will always remember that time when you first heard me sing and you told me that I sing pretty well
I will always remember that time when we had tickle war. You knew I was so ticklish, you could win so easily.
The pain is unbearable and I still don’t know how and when I’ll come to terms with the loss. Your absence is just painful. But I know for a fact this is just temporary separation for one day I will see you again. I know you are happy up there where you no longer worry about the future, and pain no longer kills. I know you are singing over me.
Until I see you again, Pa
I miss you so much
To the lot of you who are lucky enough to still have both parents with you. You hold one gift some of us no longer have, and I hope you realize that we are not promised tomorrow so don’t take this life for granted, don’t take your parents’ love and care for granted for one day it will be taken away from you. Say I love You when you really do, that’s what your parents want to hear. My dad didn’t get to hear that coming from me for the very last time, and I hope you don’t make the same mistake that I did. Live fully.