On Losing Someone

Losing someone you love has never been easy. You’re dragged into a situation which you have to stay strong but you have no reason to stay strong. Last year, 2014, our family lost two significant people of our lives, my grandma and my aunt.

But the worst thing of all was that I never got the chance to  say goodbye and said how much I love them.

February 2014 :

I lost my Neni, my grandma’s sister. 4 weeks before her passing, she stayed over at my house. She was weak yet still managed to go to church every sunday. I’ve always loved her spirit. She was one annoying grandma, but that does not mean I didn’t love her. That one thing she said to me when I was heading off to university, she said eri, take care. That Tuesday evening, mom got a call saying that Neni fell off and she was unconscious at that moment. My mind was wild at that time, I was breathing heavily that I finally went to my room to pray. At around 7pm, mom got a call, and dad was on his room. I heard mom talking, and then all of a sudden, she screamed and cried. I ran to my mom and she looked at me and at that moment I crumbled, I cried hysterically, then I ran to my dad. He knew it, but he stayed strong. He kept saying that it is okay, she is in way safer and peaceful place now.

At the funeral. I remember what Hazel Grace says when she attends Gus’ funeral that funeral is not for the dead but for the living. I kept looking at those people who attended the funeral and cried like babies. I know this might sound wrong, but at that moment, I kept questioning, are those tears real? or is it because it is funeral so you are obliged to be sad and cry even though you don’t want to? Do you really know her? You have done wrong to her, and now you’re saying that she’ll be missed, isn’t this what you want? There were some parts of me that were so angry, it is because she left us with unsolved problems that our family currently encountered. I never put blame on anyone, it is just that it is hard to imagine that I no longer have grandma who had always bring foods every sunday, a grandma that always shouted with her annoying soprano voice, a grandma that not only gave my sister a present on her birthday, but for me as well, and vise versa. She knew that I am kinda jealous. One thing I learn from her is that no matter how hard your life is, no matter how big your problem is, no matter how weak you are, you always have to have time for God.

December 2014 :About 2 weeks before Christmas

That night I was in my room studying while figuring out how to solve my personal problems. It had something to do with current organisation, I was stressed out. Before I went to my room, I saw my mom on the phone with my uncle. All of a sudden, I heard someone’s screaming and sobbing really hard. I ran to my parents’ bedroom with all the negative thoughts in my head. I opened the door and saw dad sitting still and staring at empty spaces. I was a bit relieved, frankly. Then I looked at my mom and she looked devastated. I hugged her then asked what’s happening and she screamed hysterically I lost a sister!!! I don’t have any sister anymore. I bursted out in tears, I consoled my mom, and told her words of encouragement. Mom has always been the strongest in the family, but now she’s at her lowest. 

If it was not me, then who else. I thought that I had to replace her as the ‘strongest’ member in the family, at least for now. So I told her to cry as loud as she wanted, and let it out. I didn’t wanna look weak, so I tried my best not to cry. After a while, I went back to my room and cried so hard that I found it hard to breath.

Losing someone before you get to say goodbye for the last time is one of the worst things in this entire universe. I have experienced that twice last year. To be perfectly frank, ever since I experienced that, I have some sort of problems when every sounds, screams, or even laughs sound like a cry to me. But it is like when I heard my sister or parents laugh or when my sister pretend crying, I rushed to where the sounds came from, and I found out that they’re just joking. I often find myself really hard to breath. It was psychologically painful because that happens a lot. I feel like I have been haunted by a voice. This is not a good thing, and I have to get over it, I’ve always wanted to go to a psychologist to have a further discussion regarding this symptom. I hope none of you, my fellow readers, will ever experience such awful situation.


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