04.30

04.30:
at dawn it was
mom woke me up
laid down he was
stay still
no sign of breathing
i held his hand
no tears at all
closed my eyes
hoping he’d just
pass out for a moment

05.54:
never wanted to see
the doctor came up to me
he’s gone she said
the world within me
crumbled down
no strength to walk
let alone to see his face

06.20:
i didnt wanna go inside
too unbearable i thought
sat outside alone
ended up hurting myself
ask the hospital walls
of how i got these bruises
i just wanted to wake up
from this nightmare
i was dying
wishing it’d be a dream

07.10
there they came
best friends at all times
sisters i never knew i needed

07.30
no flashback
no regrets
lies i kept telling to myself
to ease the pain
feel the regret
filling up my chest
painful it was
no words came out
of my mouth
did he know how much
i love him
did he know how much
i care

13.40
it’s all real
i saw him in there
in a coffin.
i saw him lying there
looked so peaceful
i saw him there
in a suit
i wish he would wear
on my wedding day.

23.59:
there
still i hope
when i wake up
it all will be
a dream.

//
when a daughter lost her father.
It’s been a month already, Pa. I miss you like crazy

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What Do You Want

you want me to tell the truth
but you kiss me with your lies
you want to feel your skin pressed against mine
just to make love to your demons
you want me to say love to you
just to feed your ego
you told me to stay
but you were the one
who left
you told me you love me
just to leave me
in pieces

 

x

–ECP

 

Fight A Little Longer

It’s a game we play
of who can appear to be strong
in front of the others
wounds are fresh
pain is real
the absence kill
we tried not to cry
so the others won’t
but who are really
a mere human
capable of feeling
the loss
and pain
at times it is too much to bear
at times we feel like giving up
but i hope you and i tell ourselves
to fight just a little longer
for it’s all worth it
in the end

 

ecp

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you tell me to quiet down cause
my opinions make me less beautiful
but i was not made with a fire in my belly
so i could be put out
i was not made with a lightness on my tongue
so i could be easy to swallow
i was made heavy half blade and half silk
difficult to forget and
not easy for the mind to follow

― Rupi Kaur..

On Losing Someone You Love The Most

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June 25, 2017

I lost someone who I dearly love, my dad. As I write this post, I still am trying to recover from the loss. It has been such a rough time for me to accept the truth that my dad, whom I spent my 21 years with has gone. It still feels like a dream, so surreal. Sometimes I find myself asking the same question over and over again…

Has he really gone?

Everything happens so fast that I could not seem to digest everything that is going on at the moment. Losing someone has always been so tough for me. I have lost my grandparents when I was a kid, and my aunt and Neni (grand ma’s sister). I had a hard time dealing with the loss. Losing the loved ones have always been my worst nightmare and a week ago, I had to experience that. Losing a parent is extremely, unbearably, utterly painful. I could not find words to describe what I’m feeling but the pain I had to endure was just too much. But thank God I have friends and family who are there to open their arms, hug me and console me, support me and give me words of encouragement. I have no idea what I would do without them.


Papa always taught me to not be selfish, to share what I have with my sister, to care and respect one another, to always be kind and generous. Papa once told me that he got offered a high position job but he refused, and when I asked why, his answer astonished me. He simply said that

I am happy with I have now. If I accepted that offer, I would have to spend less time with you all. I would have missed the chances to drop my daughters off at school, have dinner together, going out, and do things together as a family. Those are just little things but those are what I appreciate the most.
You can always earn money, everything will be sufficient for us, but only time cannot be bought. It is enough for me. I can still drop you off to school, get home early for dinner.”

Papa had long been sick. He had suffered for a long time and it was painful to see him in so much pain. But now he is in a much better place where he is in peace, and doesn’t have to feel the pain anymore.

Pa, it is hard to move on with my life without you around. We fought, argued and disagreed a lot but at the end of the day, you would always be a father who’s so forgiven. I am sorry for the wrong I have done to you, and hope you know that I have forgiven you too. I know for a fact that you don’t want me to live in regrets but I wish I were there to tell you how much I love you, Pa. I hope you knew that I love you and I care about you even though I rarely said it to you.

I will always remember when you drop me off at school and sat there with me till the bell rang because you didn’t want me to be alone
I will always remember the times when you jokingly told me to cut your ears cos I asked for too much and I ended up crying and you and mom laughed so hard
I will always remember that time when you first heard me sing and you told me that I sing pretty well
I will always remember that time when we had tickle war. You knew I was so ticklish, you could win so easily.

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The pain is unbearable and I still don’t know how and when I’ll come to terms with the loss. Your absence is just painful. But I know for a fact this is just temporary separation for one day I will see you again. I know you are happy up there where you no longer worry about the future, and pain no longer kills. I know you are singing over me.

Until I see you again, Pa

I miss you so much

 

your annoying daughter,
Eyi

 




To the lot of you who are lucky enough to still have both parents with you. You hold one gift some of us no longer have, and I hope you realize that we are not promised tomorrow so don’t take this life for granted, don’t take your parents’ love and care for granted for one day it will be taken away from you. Say I love You when you really do, that’s what your parents want to hear. My dad didn’t get to hear that coming from me for the very last time, and I hope you don’t make the same mistake that I did. Live fully.

A Woman.

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I was really inspired by Farah G who wrote a poem about woman empowerment that I decided to write a poem with similar taste or theme. I wrote this poem as a reminder to all women that we are equal and we deserve to be treated well.

Refugee School in Indonesia Sparks Hope

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“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.”



 

I have been living in Cisarua, West Java for the last two months and volunteered at Cisarua Refugee Learning Centre as teaching assistant. I had such an amazing time there and the experience I had was tremendous and it truly is unforgettable.

Indonesian people are not really familiar with the refugee issue. There are even some misconceptions about refugees. One of my friends did not even know that there are International refugees living in Indonesia. A refugee is someone who has been forced to flee his or her country because of persecution, war, or violence.

Indonesia has not ratified the Convention relating to the Status of Refugee, therefore Indonesia is not responsible for providing the basic needs of Refugees living here. Refugees in Indonesia are not entitled to social security, access to education, and employment. That is why it makes it so hard for them living here. The protracted waiting time also makes it even harder. Because one usually needs to wait for 3 years or so to finally be resettled to the third country. There are an estimated 14.000 refugees living in Indonesia and some of them are children. In their growing age, this situation does affect their development. Can you imagine if you are stuck in Limbo and have to wait for years without education? That is one of the problems that these refugee family face. They are worried about their children education.

“On 2014, a small group decided to start a school, The Cisarua Refugee Learning Centre. Unbelievably, through the school, the refugees found they were having the best days of their lives. Instead of sleeping all day, they got up early to go to class and to prepare lessons. Parents made lunches and delivered their kids to school, proud that they were able to provide an education for their children. They even started a school football tournament, and the female teachers played football for the first time in their lives.”

CRLC is the first school that is established and managed by refugees and now there are 100 refugee children enrolled there. This school has lifted the burden of the parents who were worried about their children education. This school is a symbol of hope, trust, and resilience. It gives these children a sense of hope. I first found out about this school on Facebook and I did some research about it and I was amazed by what the power of community can accomplish, and in this case, it has accomplished something great.


March 27

It was my first day in Cisarua Refugee Learning Centre and I could not be happier to start my day.  I was welcomed by heartwarming smile upon these children’s faces. They greeted me and asked my name, where I’m from and such things. One of them can even speak Bahasa and Sundanese very well, which is pretty impressive knowing that she’s only been here for a while and I can’t even speak Sundanese. She said that she’s learned that from her neighbors. They always start the day with morning exercise and every Monday there is a ‘Question of the Day’ where one of the Prefects asked a question and then she or he will pick some students to answer the question, and every Thursday, one of the students will stand in front of everyone to deliver a speech. Every morning, the female teachers would kiss me on the cheeks three times and hug me tightly.

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On my first day, I was just there to observe. I was observing the interaction between the teacher and children, how they behave with their friends, and the activities they do at school.

Day by day, I have seen a great amount of respect these children have for their teachers and their eagerness to learn and the positive attitude they’ve shown. I have no words to describe this environment, it is just so positive. They appreciate each other, give words of encouragement to one another, behave well with everyone. They are just a bundle of joy. They are also very critical as in they are not afraid to question what they know. One time, the students asked me why is the sky blue? For most of you, it might seem a very simple question but it shows me how curious they are about the things around them. They begin to question small things. They are so eager to know and learn more. One of the students once came up to me and asked me what’s the meaning behind my name. Thank God, I have made a small research about my name in the past so I could easily answer her question haha! I told her that the name Erika is originally from Scandinavia and it means “Always Ruler”. It also is a name of a flower.

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I talked with some of the students and I also observed and I can tell that they are very curious and eager to learn something. They told me that they love going to school and study and play with friends. In this school, they do not only learn about subtraction or how the plants grow, or how many continents are there but they learn so much more than any books could teach. They learn about how to respect people, how to shape their future, to value friendship, and to believe in the beauty of their dreams. They have such great sense of higher purpose. One of the students told me that she wants to become a policewoman because she wants to save her home country, Afghanistan. She wants to find all the terrorists so everyone will live in peace without fear.

Not only the children but the teachers here are also wonderful. I am truly inspired by the great work that the teachers put in giving the best education for the children. They truly are heroes with no capes. They work tirelessly and voluntarily. They do not receive any payment yet they give the best they have for the children.

I also had the experience to visit the families and I got to talk with them. They welcomed me in their houses, hugged me and made me feel like home. They taught me how to speak Farsi, they showed me something they have been doing these days, for example, one of the mothers I met, she has been pretty busy making clothes. They also cooked some Afghani foods for me. Let me tell you, Afghani dishes are delicious. If you like Indian dishes, I’m pretty sure you’ll like Afghani dishes as well. These families also shared their stories to me; why they fled their home country, the problems they are facing right now. I am not gonna lie, I shed tears when they told me that. I just could not imagine myself to be in their position, to have one of my family members being killed, or to live my life in danger and terror. From these stories, I have learned about their bravery, struggle, and resilience.

Dear CRLC family, thank you so much for these past two months. I am eternally grateful for this experience and I really hope to see you really soon.

 


If you are inspired by the work they are doing, you can donate and support their work. Visit Cisarualearning.com for more.

 

pingback!

2017: Lessons I Have Learnt 


It has been five months already since we counted down to new year. So far, this year has been like a rollercoaster to me. It has surprised me with a lot of things I have never expected. With all the twist, and the bittersweet journey this life has taken me,

these are the lessons that I have learnt so far this year:

• I have learnt that jealousy will not solve the problem. It will worsen pretty much everything. Jealousy will take you to much darker place than you already are. You will begin to compare yourself to the others and make you lose your focus. You will get too caught up trying to impress someone and end up forgetting who you really are, and little do you know you have lost yourself in the process. You will always try to seek validation in others, and your happiness relies upon the compliments you get, the likes you get on instagram or the followers you have. Dealing with this type of feeling has been a hell for me as jealousy is my hamartia. I hate myself when I look back to those days in the past when I was so busy trying to be someone I was not, trying to impress people merely because I wanted to fit in. I was not feeling happy at all because the only question I asked to myself was “am i enough?”. If I had to give advice to my 16 year old self, I would tell her not to worry about yourself because you are more than enough.

Now I have grown up, I have learnt from the past, from my mistakes, and I determine to make myself much better than I was.

• I have learnt that we cannot force something to happen no matter how hard we have tried.  You cannot force someone to give you the same amount of attention as you do to him/her. You cannot force someone to care about you. There are some things that beyond our control.

• I have learnt that sometimes it is needed for you to cut off connections from toxic people.
• I have learnt that connection is hard to find; it is rare. And you cannot force a connection, for it should come naturally.

• I have learnt that I will not waste my time and energy for something that is not worth fighting for.
• I have learnt that honesty is the best virtue. Therefore, I value honesty the most and I’m not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things.

•I have learnt that time waits for no one, and we will get left behind. So I try to seize every moment before it passes by.  Everything has their own timing. Sometimes we tend to force things to happen as soon as possible, we tend to do whatever it takes to make it happen. But it will not happen unless it is time.

• I have learnt that sometimes we measure success by how fast we get something that we want and forget the fact that it is far beyond that. Success is not measured by how fast you get something you’ve always wanted, because success, to me, is how you persevere, how you learn from the process, how you learn from the mistakes.

•I have learnt to say YES to every opportunity. Well…..not every opportunity but yeah lol. One single YES could lead you to endless opportunities ahead. So I always remind myself to always take the opportunity

• I have learnt that I have full control of what is going to happen next. Like what I said, some things are uncontrollable but some things are controllable.

• I have learnt that some people come to my life to either teach me lessons or to be part of something amazing which will shape my life, change the way I see things, and bring much more colours to my monochrome life haha!

• I have learnt that some people are way richer than we thought they were altough they might be perceived as the disadvantaged people. They may have lost pretty much everything but they are surrounded by family who love them, friends who are all ears.

•Throughout this experience, I have learnt and grown to be much better person than I was before.

And this year…..

I have learnt

to let go.

Happy International Women’s Day

This is me reciting this beautiful poem written by Farah Gabdon.

(What I will tell my daughter)

Someday you will be told that a woman’s gaze
must never stretch as far as a man’s.
That his should
soar above the seventh heaven
-like shooting stars between planets-
to find himself on Saturn’s rings
but yours-
yours must never exceed the ceiling of your house
because you were made different.

Your place-
lies in the cleanliness of kitchen shelves
the dust between radiator and wall
the stains on both carpet and floor-
because you are a woman…
nothing more.

***
But this poem is called woman
Called mother and wife.
Called daughter.

It is wombs stretching-
filled with pain and love,
lungs pumping life into new body and soul-
ribs expanding,
housing, embracing, caring, creating.

This poem is called woman,

It is hearts breaking-
Aching for both infant and man.
it is tender, patient , loving,
forever, understanding,
never, relenting,
and always, always, always-
real.

This poem is all woman.
All you.

***
The night you are born
I will take you to see the moon-
Full and bright –
it’s reflection filling the tiny pupils of your eyes
And your father and I will
Argue about whether to call you
“Shamsa” after the sun
Or “Qamar” after the moon.

***

Your thirteenth birthday is when I will read you this
Before periods,
And heartbreak and boys.
You will be as tall as me,
Your breasts emerging, hips curving
And your lips stained pink
Because you are learning
That being beautiful-
Is more important to the world than being real,
And that everything you ever did would always be labelled
“Not bad for a girl”
And that in some places-
Having a daughter
Still brought shame on families.

***

But this poem is called woman,
Is all woman
All you.

This poem is a reminder of what it means
To descend from a line of women
With the strength
Found only in martyrs
who set themselves on fire to save their kin.

This poem is all heart.
It is to remind you
That you share blood with women
Who march with shrapnel in their thighs
But fall to their knees the moment
Their grandchild frowns,
The same women who carry in the
Wobble of their arthritic joints
More strength than humanly possible.

This poem is because you are one half of life,
One half of body and soul.
This poem is because
You are a moon
And you must never forget
That you possess in you
The strength to shine
When enveloped in darkness-
To smile when drowning in pain.

***

You see,
They might say
That a woman’s gaze should never stretch as far as a man’s.
No, yours must stretch further.
Because you are a woman,
Nothing less.